Well since Bandit took roost here each evening he tends to spend the time in my room at the end of my bed/side of or next to my chair once the girls have gone to bed.

Since I have become ill neither him nor Mischief have traveled very far from my room. Only leaving to eat, drink or go to the bathroom. To my knowledge only Mischeif has gone out side and that was only for a few moments before returning to my room and taking station.

Was rather sweet to wake up this evening after I felt so exhausted after some cleaning to find both were positioned at the end of my bed sleeping soundly but woke up as I moved to go to the bath room. They seemed to check I was alright before resuming their naps.

Been nice knowing they are around no matter what and have come in for a snuggle and pat now and then or slept besides me.

Feel like I am being watched over and cared for even if it may only be to make sure the hand that feeds keeps alive.

Lonestar: Mr Mom

Lost my job, came home mad
Got a hug and kiss and that's too bad
She said, ''I can go to work until you find another job.''
I thought I like the sound of that
Watch TV and take long naps
Go from a hard working dad to being Mr. Mom.

Well, Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer
Crayons go up one drawer higher
Rewind Barney for the fifteenth time
Breakfast six, naps at nine
There's bubble gum in the baby's hair
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair
Been crazy all day long and it's only Monday
Mr. Mom.

Football, soccer and ballet
Squeeze in scouts and P.T.A.
And there's that shopping list she left
That's seven pages long
How much smoke can one stove make
The kids won't eat my charcoal cake
It's more than any man can take
Being Mr. Mom.

Well, Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer
Crayons go up one drawer higher
Rewind Barney for the sixteenth time
Breakfast six, naps at nine
There's bubble gum in the baby's hair
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair
Been crazy all day long and it's only Monday
Mr. Mom.

---

Before I fall in bed tonight
If the dog didn't eat the classifieds
I'm gonna look just one more time.

'Cause, Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer
Crayons go up one drawer higher
Rewind Barney for the eighteenth time
Breakfast six, naps at nine
There's bubble gum in the baby's hair
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair
Been crazy all day long
Oh, been crazy all day long and it's only Monday
Mr. Mom.
Ooh Mr. Mom.

Balance the checkbooks, juggling bills
Thought there was nothing to it
Baby, now I know how you feel
What I don't know is how you do it.

Oh!, Honey you're my hero!...

Dedicated to greybear who I hope after the last two days has a better understanding of my daily life and is a bit more grateful for the things I do that he does not see.

So over the night of cold chills. cold sweats and finding out this morning some where in the last week I have lost half a stone with out even trying seems I do actually have Glandular Fever..urm yay me?

So spending the day cleaning my bed room, being bored, going crazy, and wondering if I get a face mask will I be able to be around the girls.

Also wondering why the docs and the pharmacists seems to be cruel and unusual by giving a woman with hardly enough room to swallow liquid horse tablets for painkillers......

Well seems our luck is really low today.

Doors the hamster passed away at some point today, seems he went in his sleep.

He would of been two and about five weeks old so very much the old man.

We had been expecting it to happen sooner or later though he was as laid back as any one I know and nothing got to him. Including the cats , three escapes from Mischief and was seemingly fine and staring them back in the eye then going about what ever he was doing.

Though he did have a few escapes attempts none of which of course truly succeeded obviously. He is certainly going to be missed.

Though Big Roo took the news better than I had expected but I think part of that is due to Jess ( a friends dog) dying not long ago and me explaining to her sometimes things happen beyond anyone's control.

Well so far November is set to look as bleak as the last couple of months health wise.

Had to go to A+E General Docs and been diagnosed with severe tonsillitis and possible glandular fever so I am now under bed room quarantine. I am not allowed to be around the girls until it is clear it is just tonsillitis so in my bed room door closed but baby monitor on so I can hear the girls down stairs or moving around the house.

Not too long ago I would of been pleased at such pleasant silence now I am already going insane (purely because it is enforced) if it was of my own free will and because I was lucky I would be loving it.

Though it will give greybear and the girls some time together at least even if right now I am not sure he is coping very well that suddenly he has to look after them, do everything for them, be bossy etc..

Not helped that he is going to be away five days from Monday so we had big plans for the weekend. Fire works last night but then it rained and did not have any sand so could only use certain fire works. Little Roo was scared of them so she spent her time with me either being held or sitting on the counter watching me work at making tea. The only person that truyl enjoyed the time was Big Roo.

Me and greybear was meant to go out tonight for a adults night out before he went away but now that is not possible so all plans have been scuppered as they generally are.

Also not truly looking forward to my birthday. Not caring about the age I will be turning which will be 27 hell still do not feel any different to when I was 16 at times so go figure. Though I have suddenly realized that I do not think everyone has my new address ...eeeps !

Saving up for Christmas like crazy and trying to get things sorted for the girls, going to try and decorate the place up nicely for them once I actually manage to make some space.

Alanis Morisette: Ironic

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
A little too ironic...and yeah I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Dedicated to greybear because well..he knows.

So after a few days on the hormone tablets I am starting to feel more like me but because I am ill I have had to come off. Seems the tablets though stopped the bleeding for a time has not stopped it completely as I am bleeding once more.

I also have got insomnia from the tablets and developed light sensitivity as well....so though I mentally and emotionally feel better my body still feels like crap just only more so right now..but at least I have calmed down greatly and far more relaxed, will feel better though once my cold has cleared so I can breath through my nose and can start meditating once more.

Trying to breathe deeply through open mouth does not help meditation what so ever.

How do you ask a stranger you have never met, or ever even heard of..permission to be able to look at your own file of information that was made about you from at least ten years ago.....

Seems I have to wire up a letter asking someone to give me my file, my social services file..so I can hopefully finally know everything....

Bon Jovi: You Give Love A Bad Name

An angels smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passions a prison, you cant break free

Youre a loaded gun
Theres nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Chorus:
Shot through the heart
And youre to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boys dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

Youre a loaded gun
Theres nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Well as my contract time on the house passes, I can not do anything but look forward to it's end any more.

Ever since the move all I seem to have is a run of bad luck, despite having everything I thought I wanted it turns out , I am still in a learning curve and as I expected have a lot to learn. Which I am grateful for, though I wish some of the lessons were not so painful

I am in a lovely village, where most seem alright though being welcomed in, is a no go. The older people of the village are more welcoming than the mums and dads I see every day.

The house was invaded my ants in almost every room in the spring/summer.

Two washing machines broke, one which has since been fixed, my fridge broke (as old as it was that is to be expected) the cooker is now a pain to light. I have been to hospital more times in the last few months than any other six month time scale and that is saying something.

I am beginning to worry that staff will expect me to contribute to Christmas gifts for them or something. I have been in one car accident and got severe whip lash so much so I have to started getting physio, can not stand being in any car at all and have to force myself into the damn thing.

I can no longer go into the fridge/freezer areas of Tesco as that causes the muscles in my neck to contract from the accident and I can barely move it after wards, I have hurt my wrist. Big Roo has been ill the last couple of weeks. I have a growing chest infection starting and a hormone imbalance which is making me want to kill everything bar the girls. They seem to have immunity to any feelings..other than this frustration happiness etc to the girls I feel nothing. The doctors have me on more medication than I have ever had in my life in one day and seemingly more will be on the way.

Little Roo is doing greatly and coming along fast and growing quickly.

As for me and greybear...our anniversary is soon..and in truth I have barely thought about it. I have got some of his gifts for his birthday but not truly thought about the anniversary. Perhaps that sounds like a terrible thing but right now I do not seem to have room for such, the more time we have spent togetehr the more time we seem to bug each other.

I moved here to be closer to the guy I loved and right now I want to spend most of my time wringing his neck especially at some comments he makes that just hurt and he does not see it.

For example

"I never get a Saturday dedicated to me."

I felt like I had just been slapped across the face considering the last six months he has spent most of his time playing crickets with his friends while I look after the girls either at home or at the cricket field watching him playing..now I am not a sport fan and the girls would be fine without being there so we were not there for ourselves we were there FOR him because he wanted us there.

I can not stand sports but I went and now I feel like I should not of bothered because for him it meant nothing me and the girls sitting around for anything between 4 to 9 hours while he got to do what he wanted......perhaps I made a mistake..I am really beginning to think I messed up badly...yet still learning and at least now I know abit more about myself for next time.

Just Like A Pill lyrics : Pink

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think, I took too much
I'm cryin' here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine, 'cuz its makin' me itch
I said, I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine, 'cuz its makin' me itch
I said, I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch
(Just like a pill)
I can't stay on your morphine, 'cuz its makin' me itch
(Just like a pill)
I said, I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch
(Just like a pill)
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
(Frustrated, frustrated fears)
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
(Frustrated fears)
And I swear you're just like a pill
(Just like a pill)
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
(Makin' me, makin' me ill)
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
(Oh you keep makin' me ill)
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears

So yet another one of my friends are getting engaged next year. It is certainly going to be a busy year for them for me some how. Though some how the more people I know that are getting married for some reason I am being more and more put off to get married.

I went to the wedding reception of Greybears close friend and I admit I was moved (almost) to tears by the bride and groom dance but still the idea of marriage is well...RUN!

Though at the same time me and greybear have been through a really big rough patch of late, though we seem to be coming out of the other side of it and fingers crossed all the stronger and closer for it. I think I needed to learn some personal lessons and in this case it took two people to give me them without me or even them realizing and though they will never know I am thankful for them as well.

I have decided to move from here after the contract year is over though where I am not sure yet, I am growing to love the village and becoming closer to the people slowly, but I think it is too close to some issues that 60 miles could help make easier. So I will be looking for some where else to live but also in again a quiet village.

Also while watching a episode of "Scrubs Season 2 Episode 15 His Story"

Carla: Please, Elliot, this is not about Paul.... This is about you! This is about you not being able to commit, because committing means saying goodbye to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love you've concocted after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies. But men don't come and make everything all better -- they're only human. And you shouldn't punish him because you were forced to grow up so fast you never learned how to let someone else take care of you. He's not your father, okay, he's not necessarily gonna disappear at the first sign of trouble. And, as scary as it is to consider letting yourself be truly vulnerable with another human being, what's even scarier is that deep down inside you know you picked this man...and if you run away from him now, you'll be running away from being the kind of person you always wanted to be.

The script really spoke to me after me and greybears issues over the last few weeks. I just hope he manages to read between the lines and gets what I am saying.

Issues : By The Saturdays

ooooh yeah


sometimes i fell like i'am going out of my mind,

boy the way you do me is a damn crime,

then you smile at me and its alright,

With you, there ain't no in between.

Every time that i walk out the door, tell myself i wont take it no more,

there's a part of me wont let you go,
keep saying yes when my minds saying no,

Chorus:
Me and my heart we got issues
don't know if i should hate you or miss you,
damn i wish that i could resist you
cant decide if i should leave you or kiss you,
me and my heart we got issues,issues,issues
we got issues,issues,issues

Its so wrong, boy you leave me hanging for so long yeah, empty out my love until its all gone,
you change the words but still its the same song,
i'am tired of the melody

change my number and throw out your clothes,
but my feelings for you, it still shows
i keep building a wall round my heart
but then i see you, and it all falls apart....

Chorus:
Me and my heart we got issues
don't know if i should hate you or miss you,
damn i wish that i could resist you
cant decide if i should leave you or kiss you,
me and my heart we got issues issues issues
we got issues issues issues

why fight it, cant hide it
truth is i think i like it
confusion,illusion
still i don't know which way to go...

Chorus: (x2)
Me and my heart we got issues
don't know if i should hate you or miss you,
damn i wish that i could resist you
cant decide if i should leave you or kiss you,

me and my heart we got issues, issues, issues
we got issues issues
we got issues issues
we got issues issues

(Fades Out)
Me and my heart we got issues
don't know if i should hate you or miss you

I'm Like A Bird lyrics

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x 3]

Racheal Stevens:@
I Said Never Again But Here We Are

One, two, three, four!

I said no no never
We dont go together
Oh, I really could'nt take anymore
Now, it's two week's later
I feel such a traitor
Oh, I let you in my back door

You're the one who's creeping
Rough love's so deceiving
I said never again but here we are
I'm your, pure sweetness
You're my only weakness
I said never again but here we are

Now, I don't rush in I
Bite my lip and let you know
I really like the game you play
I'd be better off without you
But I can't live without you
No, am I ever gonna break away

You're the one who's creeping
Rough love's so deceiving
I said never again but here we are
I'm your, pure sweetness
You're my only weakness
I said never again but here we are

Yeah
I tried to run but I don't get too far
Cause I can't let go
I can't take no more
Boy, I want you so Oh-Oo-Oh
No, I can't let go
I can't take no more
And I want you so Oh-Oo-Oh
One, two, three, four!

You're the one who's creeping
Rough love's so deceiving
I said never again but here we are
I'm your, pure sweetness
You're my only weakness
I said never again but here we are

You're the one who's creeping
Rough love's so deceiving
I said never again but here we are
I'm your, pure sweetness
You're my only weakness
I said never again but here we are

I said never again
I said never again
I said never again but here we are
Never again
Never again
Don't you never play your new guitar

Lady GaGa
Poker Face lyrics
Send "Poker Face" Ringtone to your Cell
Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum mah

I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays
Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)
Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start
And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh,
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
A little gambling is fun when you're with me (I love it)
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun, fun
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh,
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

I won't tell you that I love you
Kiss or hug you
Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin
I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning
Just like a chick in the casino
Take your bank before I pay you out
I promise this, promise this
Check this hand cause I'm marvelous

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

Tina Turner - Great Spirits Lyrics



When the earth was young
and the air was sweet
And the mountains kissed the sky
In the great beyond, with its many paths
Man and nature lived side by side

In this wilderness of danger and beauty
Lived three brothers, bonded by love
Their hearts full of joy
they ask now for guidance
Reaching out to the skies up above

Great Spirits of all who lived before
Take our hands and lead us
Fill our hearts and souls
with all you know
Show us that in your eyes
we are all the same
Brothers to each other
In this world we remain truly
brothers all the same

Give us wisdom to pass to each other
Give us strength so we understand
That the things we do
the choices we make
Give direction to all life's plans

To look in wonder
at all we've been given
In a world that's not always as it seems
Every corner we turn
only leads to another
A journey ends, but another begins

Great Spirits of all who lived before
Take our hands and lead us
Fill our hearts and souls
with all you know
Show us that in your eyes
we are all the same
Brothers to each other
In this world we remain truly
brothers all the same

Brothers all the same

(Dedicated to all the spirits that have come before me,those that guide us and teach and to all my friends)

In Too Deep lyrics
The faster we're falling,
We're stopping and stalling.
We're running in circles again
Just as things we're looking up
You said it wasn't good enough.
But still we're trying one more time.

Maybe we're just trying to hard.
When really it's closer than it is too far

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.

Seems like each time
I'm with you I loose my mind,
Because I'm bending over backwards to relate.
It's one thing to complain
But when you're driving me insane
Well then I think it's time that we took a break.

Maybe we're just trying to hard.
When really it's closer than it is too far

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.
Instead of going under.

I can't sit back and wonder why.
It took so long for this to die.
And I hate it when you fake it.
You can't hide it you might as well embrace it.
So believe me it's not easy.
It seems that something's telling me,

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.
instead of going under.

instead of going under again.
instead of going under.
instead of going under again.
instead of going under again.

Tizz wazz = ditsy moment
hunky dory = everything's OK
mumbo jumbo = that makes no sense/that is absolutely nonsensical
donkeys years = a extremely long time